Like Mother's Day, Valentine's is known as a You-Better-Or-Else kind of holiday, which brings up the question, "Is it a bunch of commercial hype, designed to promote business for florists, greeting card companies, chocolate makers, wineries and restaurants — or is it really about love?"

For Jessica Bryan of Talent — who is putting on a Valentine's Sing-along — the holiday is under-used if it only focuses on romantic love between two people.

"It's a time for lovers, but it's also a time for the community to get together and share something meaningful with each other," says Bryan, who will open her Valentine's Day free event (at Grilla Bites in Ashland from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.) with a group singing of Anne Murray's "(I Want to Sing You a) Love Song."

Although she enjoys going out to a Valentine's Day dinner with her husband of 22 years, "relationships activist" Marla Estes of Ashland warns against the "irresponsible" promotion of romantic love — the idea that there's a soulmate out there for you, and you will recognize them, fall in love and the rest is sparkly happiness.

"The question," says Estes, "is how can we keep the good part of romantic love and not be cynical while being IV'd (intravenous) with all this in song lyrics and TV, that our prince or princess will come? If we're always waiting for the right person, then we're constantly fantasizing and half our mind has already left whatever relationship we're already in."

Faced with questions about love, Julie Freed of Ashland recently built a Valentine's altar in her home, complete with flowers and hearts, in order to "get clear" about love.

"I'm of the mindset that we should celebrate love every day, not just one day. That's what we're here for, to love each other," says Freed, an art importer who notes that, despite the commercial hype around Valentine's Day, "I'm way into the man being romantic. It says you're special and you are the one I choose."

Pointing to the bumper sticker that says "commit random acts of kindness," Sally Melton of Medford says, "I am an un-Valentine girl" who would rather have a random card or gift on any random day, rather than one on a designated day.

"Valentine's and Christmas are fine, but they cause undue consternation for people," she says. "It seems forced and contrived. They cause more pain than happiness because of all the expectations from TV that you have to get a special ring or life's no good."

Retired Southern Oregon University professor Reider Peterson says he normally gets flowers for his girlfriend and tries "to do something romantic, at least go out to dinner. It's not as bad as Christmas. Halloween and Valentine's are the good holidays."

Often overlooked in the mad Valentine's rush to give and get love is the simple fact that love is immensely practical because it's good for your health, says Freed. "It makes us incredibly vibrant and alive to feel and express love. It's incredibly strengthening to us physically."

With age, says Jessica Bryan, who is 61, love matures and is not showy and full of infatuation. Her husband, Tom Cluny, does it just right, she says, by being considerate, generous and "showing up" where it really counts — by doing the dishes, and doing them with a sense of humor.

"That really endears me to him," Bryan says. "It means a lot more to me than buying a card and flowers on a specific day."

Adds Estes, "It's a time to be quiet and romantic and ask, 'How can we take some goodness from that archetype of romantic love and find what's beautiful, without falling into the illusions around it.' "

Valentine's Day is not just about couples who are in love, says Estes. She plans to give a red rose to a friend who's been going through a lot lately.

And her husband Tom does something that really touches her heart: "He makes Valentine's cards for the kids and gives them candy."

John Darling is a freelance writer living in Ashland. E-mail him at jdarling@jeffnet.org.