Praise is potent medicine

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"Sandwich criticism between two thick layers of praise." That phrase is attributed to Mary Kay Ash, founder of the phenomenally successful cosmetics company. I've raised it (praised it) before. It's worth repeating.

As I grow older I have come to realize a little bit of praise can change everything. I'm not talking about compliments. This is not about "you have beautiful eyes" or "that was a great dessert." Those are fine statements and we need to use more of them. In fact, use them with abandon. Research at Marquette University demonstrated compliments are so important that even when the speaker is insincere, they're still very effective.

But praise is different.

A yellow-edged magazine article (Good Housekeeping) I've had around for quite a while says praise "triggers the pleasure centers of the brain, producing an effect similar to anti-depressants." It's "an espresso shot of confidence and good feelings." And, wondrously, it makes the person providing those positive comment feel good, too.

Praise glorifies. Praise begets joy. Well-delivered praise indicates we're paying complete attention to a situation and the people involved.

It seems simple, but it's not. And there are a few cautions.

In the words of the teacher-psychologist, Haim Ginott, "praise, like penicillin, must not be administered haphazardly." Praise is best provided in frequent small doses, best communicated one-on-one. And always remember this — "praise without evaluation."

Think about the last time you, from-your-heart, acknowledged someone. If it was as recently as yesterday, I offer you my personal hallelujah. If you cannot easily call up a moment in which you gave authentic acknowledgement, I invite you to change that.

If you read Joan Dideon's "The Year of Magical Thinking," you know it's an incredibly thoughtful book. One thing the author remembers is how many times her recently deceased husband said to her, "Why is it you always feel you have to be right?" It stings her in the recall. And she remembers less often (shares less frequently in the pages of her book) his words of acknowledgement and praise.

There was one incident in which she was driving the car (he was usually the driver, but age and health often change those roles). As they arrived at their destination, he commented, "Well-driven." The affirmation buoyed her, implanted itself in her memory. It seems, perhaps, inconsequential in the re-telling, but I resonated with it. I suspect you may, as well.

I have done a little research on the nature of praise. Children do it best — I encountered a shy 3-year-old recently who spontaneously said, "I like you." I treasure that moment.

Have you said that to anyone lately? It's such an easy acknowledgement. "I like you" or "I like the way you think." My personal favorite is, "I think you have a good heart."

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" — My mother repeated that particular phrase so very frequently. But I would amend it, "If you have something nice to say ... say it.

When you sincerely admire someone, love who they are, what they do, how they do it ... tell them so. Be specific.

Sharon Johnson is an associate professor in health and human services at Oregon State University and on the faculty of the OSU Extension. E-mail her at s.johnson@oregonstate.edu or call 776-7371, Ext. 210.

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