Not much time to don the Nightcrawler persona this week. Newsie-type things are happening on the day I crank out this thing.
Instead of my usual 22 inches of sublime poetry, you'll get reactions — both furious and laudatory — on a few of my recent columns.
As I've said many, many times before: I appreciate any and all feedback. Like most strikingly handsome young men (see picture if you don't believe me) of a certain age, my ego is a black hole capable of enveloping as many compliments permitted by Internet parameters.
Conversely, I also feed on hatred. As a hate vampire, your harsh and condescending words will find welcome purchase in my inbox. The following is a selection of your thoughts and reflections on my work.
Take it away, treasured readers ...
You're funny, and you make our Friday mornings brighter! Thanks!
Happy New Year!
— Karla & David
It's often difficult to do this week after week. I recently saw an interview with genius comic Louis C.K. who said going to parties can be excruciating experiences. He described how people approach him, say "hi" and then step back wide-eyed and just wait for him to be hilarious.
Saying something humorous comes naturally to some people and often works best outside of deadlines. When you're given a set time and space and then are expected to suddenly say/write something funny, you tend to freeze.
I would suspect that being a comedy writer or a stand-up comedian is akin to working in porn. Of course, I have no experience working in porn. But still.
So I received a lot of reaction to my takedown of Lamb of God singer Randy Blythe's trashing of Medford following his botched moment of silence at the Armory following the Newtown shootings.
Blythe has maintained radio silence since saying all Medford-area residents are hateful animals who can't stay quiet for his contrived moment of silence, which he attempted to stage in the middle of a metal show. God, thinking about that guy's self-righteousness make my spleen hurt.
I am of Medicare age and know NOTHING about metal and care even less about it but enjoyed your scathing rebuttal to Randy Blythe's Instagram (another thing I know nothing about) regarding the moment of silence ... It would probably shock you to find out I had never heard of (Lamb of God) and had no clue they were in town ... so do you use that ridiculous picture in your column so people don't recognize you when you frequent your watering holes?
Be thankful you have lived a seemingly long life (judging by the Medicare reference) without experiencing the "music" of Randy Blythe poisoning your ears, Robert.
You are among the fortunate ones. I have caught Lamb of God songs here and there on Pandora. Of course, I never know it's them until I look at the artist and song title on my phone. It usually goes down something like this:
Scene: My apartment. Evening. I'm listening to the Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden channel on Pandora. Suddenly, a horrible noise comparable to 3 million mutant guinea pigs devouring 3 million syphilitic rabbits in hell erupts from my Bose speakers.
"Oh my, what manner of sonic devilry is this?" I cry. "Oh, it's Lamb of God."
I then hit "skip."
By the way, Robert, of what picture do you speak? How am I "using" a picture of myself? I am not understanding your line of inquiry.
Two weeks ago, I wrote a piece on a gaggle of Seattle Seahawks fans I spotted at a sports bar. I described their suffering at the heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons, showing how they exhibited the Kubler-Ross Theory of the five stages of grief.
Alas, my work was, um, incomplete, as was pointed out by astute reader Chris.
Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, acceptance. That's four. Unless I've had too many beers, you left out bargaining. Which I'm sure the average, beer-soaked sports fan does while watching his or her team lose: "If you just get a touchdown, I'll switch to light beer." Something like that.
I do enjoy your columns, you're the best part of Tempo.
Ah, I did leave out bargaining. My bad. Good eye, Chris
Which reminds me, did the city of San Francisco make a bargain with the devil to become the center of the sports universe? First the Giants win the World Series, and now the 49ers are on the brink of taking the Super Bowl from the Baltimore Ravens, who employed the most annoying athlete since Tim Tebow with Ray Lewis and his forced piety.
After beating the New England Patriots last week, Lewis, who always knows when the cameras are rolling, said something to the effect that it was God's plan that the Ravens make the Super Bowl.
Whether you're a believer or an atheist, I think we can all agree that should a higher power exist, God/Shiva/Xenu/Zeus/Tebow certainly has other things to worry about than the AFC Conference Championship, yes?
I'll be pulling for the 49ers.
Reach reporter Chris Conrad at 541-776-4471 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.