Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an early spring, exactly what those behind this Shadow Conspiracy want you to believe.
Phil (if that is indeed his real name) was likely in a chemically induced stupor — perhaps suffering the effects of an intoxicant made from deer antler velvet infused with the coffee beans excreted by a captive Asian Palm Civet "… but more likely the result of a process with which Rogue Valley Southern Oregonians of Jackson County are all too familiar.
You want proof? You can't handle the proof. Put your faith instead in those black and bright-yellow bumper stickers seen across Ashland that seek the banning of chemtrails in order to "Stop Government Weather Mitigation."
Yup, everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it "… except, apparently, the government.
It's like in that "Avengers" movie —— not the comic-book superheroes, but the Mr. Steed and Emma Peel adaptation — wherein Sean Connery wants to take over the world by controlling the weather.
Only in this case, apparently, weather-control is a government conspiracy. Oddly enough, there are no bumper stickers to be found in Ashland protesting the government's attempt to influence the weather by keeping greenhouse gases from exacerbating global warming.
The good folks over at Conservapedia, on the other hand, are not so reluctant to ferret out the conspiracy — casting man-made climate change as a liberal hoax intended to give the government (there they are again) more control over energy consumption.
You know, like saying road diets are meant to improve "traffic flow" when the clear goal is to force people out of their cars and onto bicycles.
Apparently, the government only wants to manipulate the weather (through chemtrails) unless it doesn't (by stopping greenhouse gases). This is a deviously clever form of mind-control, one calling for titanium-strength tinfoil hats.
As it becomes increasingly clear that the truth has slipped from our grasp, it's become far easier to concoct conspiracy theories about the course of human (and meteorological) events. Like the shadows of flames flickering on the wall in Plato's cave, it's easier to see and accept what isn't there than to open our eyes to the real world.
More likely, everything you believe you learned about life from your cats or by going to kindergarten or watching Star Trek was designed to confuse you. For every complex problem, Mencken reminds us, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong..
Conspiracies are all around us, if you know where to look. Rogue Valley Southern Oregonians of Jackson County should begin by looking underneath Crater Lake.
Yes, under Crater Lake "… where, according to the Northstar Zone Report, beneath the clearly artificial-blue waters there are tunnels that lead to Cave Junction, where multiple shafts nearly 1,500 feet deep near Applegate Lake open into a suspected UFO base.
Northstar (a.k.a. "The Zone Of Truth") also reports that a chemical storage complex run by "… guess who? ... has been built underneath the town of Wimer, and the mysterious "Wimer hum" is actually residents hearing said chemical plant at work.
These projects pale, however, next to the five-level complex below Mount Shasta, which The Zone Of Truth tells us is used for genetic experiments and research into spacebeam weaponry.
The Lemurians just make a good cover story.
Meanwhile, a letter writer from Gold Beach wrote Since You Asked World Headquarters in December wanting details about FEMA bunkers with concrete floors and barbed-wire fences being built outside Medford for the purpose of corralling citizens.
She was told by the propaganda bureau at SYAHQ that no such bunkers exist "… HA! "… despite her concern that this had the makings of the concentration camps they had in Germany.
SYAHQ thought they'd buried that one for good when just last week an aide to the Egyptian president came out and said the Holocaust was a hoax and that the United States had spirited six million members of the Jewish faith out of Europe and into America, in order to justify the steps needed to win World War II.
Proving once more that — whether you are in Gold Beach or Egypt — there is no escaping Godwin's Law.
Distasteful conspiracy theories have a long and infamous history, of course, and continue to this day. Truth squads have already taken it upon themselves to claim the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School was staged by our skeet-shooting president in an effort to gain public support for taking away our guns "… which seems a strange way to defend the Second Amendment at the expense of making it easier to break the Sixth Commandment.
The counter-conspiracy naturally should follow: That fear about our guns being confiscated by the government (why won't they leave us alone?) is being spread in order to boost sales of automatic weapons.
We haven't heard that one yet, though; instead, we have a Senate hearing where a duly elected representative of the government claimed that murdered children are being used callously in an attempt to keep other children from becoming victims of the same weapons that killed them in the first place.
Speaking of the aftermath of unexplainable violence, the Secretary of State suffers a concussion — apparently not because she fell down from exhaustion, but because she didn't want to testify before Congress.
Hillary Clinton's an old hand at being the victim of a vast conspiracy, of course, so this one wasn't even 50 percent as damning as the previous controversy. This became more of a half-vast conspiracy.
Elsewhere on the global political landscape: The space program in Iran is fighting against claims that it actually didn't send a monkey into space. This is based on pictures of two different simians purported to be the space traveler. If we can't trust Iran about flying monkeys, how can we believe they're building nukes to combat global warming?
This has the potential to be the biggest space travel hoax since the celebrated Moon Landing by the United States "… when we all learned from the documentary "Capricorn One" that this was faked on a soundstage and eventually led to the need to incarcerate O.J. Simpson, who was going to blow the whistle.
The moon landing was the biggest conspiracy of all time until, that is, the death of Elvis Presley.
In the docudrama "Bubb Ho-Tep," Applegate resident Bruce Campbell stars as the "late" Americal idol, as he attempts to escape his alive/dead limbo at a Texas rest home along with the "late" JFK and Schrodinger's cat.
In a world where government can manipulate the weather, take away our driving lanes, build enormous underground science labs, move six million people across an ocean during a war, stage the killing of children to take AK-15s out of the hands of law-abiding citizens, give the Secretary of State a concussion and hide the King of Rock n Roll and an "assassinated" president in an East Texas seniors home, what could possibly come next?
How about complete takeover of your thought processes?
Last week it was reported in the Journal Science that information — such as all of de Vere's sonnets — can now be stored on double-helixes of DNA. Researchers made certain to stress, however, that in no way would such DNA be injected into a human being. Of course they wouldn't think of doing something like that. What possible benefit would that be to a government?
Grab your tinfoil hats, people, and tell the Lemurians to expect company.
Mail Tribune news editor Robert Galvin can be reached at email@example.com. At least until the Secret Society gets ahold of him.