Have you seen the latest issue of Paranoia magazine?

Have you seen the latest issue of Paranoia magazine?

No? Well, that's not surprising, is it? There's a very good reason why you haven't seen it: They don't want you to see it. They know that Paranoia exposes them and their secret conspiracies to control every aspect of human life.

Who are they? Good question. That's exactly what they don't want you to know.

They are the secret government. They are the Freemasons, the CIA, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Bilderberg Group, the New World Order, the Secret Council of Ten. They are the people who killed JFK, who covered up the truth about UFOs, who plotted the attacks of 9/11. They control the world and everything in it, including your mind unless you've got one of those tinfoil hats to deflect secret mind-control rays.

Paranoia magazine is an incredible magazine, founded in 1992, circulation 15,000, published three times a year and packed with the kind of information that the mainstream media won't tell you because THEY are part of THEM!

The latest issue reveals a secret Pentagon plot to control the weather with radio signals. It also reveals the secret connection between the JFK assassination and "the contamination of the polio vaccine with cancer-causing monkey viruses."

This issue of Paranoia also reveals that David Icke, the British conspiracy theorist who disclosed in a previous issue of Paranoia that the queen of England is really a shape-shifting Satanic reptile, is himself funded by money that comes from the Rockefellers, who Icke had previously identified as "reptilian full-bloods."

And that's not all. The new issue of Paranoia also has a story about Lt. Col. Tom Bearden, a "microphysics wizard" who has revealed that "1) Nothing contains everything" and "2) we can get something for nothing." Bearden is a genius who knows how to get unlimited free energy but his knowledge is suppressed by what he calls "an agency with a three-letter acronym."

Now, I know you're thinking that sounds crazy, but the article on Bearden wasn't written by some nut. It was written by Iona Miller, who is a "hypnotherapist" and "multimedia artist" who describes her work as a combination of "new physics, biophysics, paramedia, philosophy, cosmology, healing, creativity, qabalah, magick, metaphysics and society."

So obviously she knows her stuff.

But one thing bothers me: Why do the editors call their publication Paranoia? Doesn't that sort of suggest that you'd have to be, you know, crazy to believe the stuff they print?

I decided to ask the co-editors, Joan D'Arc and Al Hidell. I called and Joan D'Arc answered. I knew that name was fake — a subtle reference to Joan of Arc. So I asked her: "What's your real name?" She refused to tell me.

"You must surely realize that there are people out there who hate us and would want to harm us."

She told me that editing Paranoia was not a full-time job so I asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that," she said.

Apparently, when you're exposing the secret government you can't be too careful. D'Arc told me that Paranoia was born in 1992 in Providence, R.I., where she ran an alternative bookstore called Newspeak, which hosted weekly meetings of the Providence Conspiracy League.

The league started collecting conspiracy information and storing it in a binder with a picture of Lee Harvey Oswald on the cover. And the binder led to the magazine.

I asked her why the magazine is called Paranoia and she said her co-editor named it and I should talk to him. She added that Al Hidell was not his real name.

I called Hidell, who confirmed that Al Hidell is a pseudonym that he chose because it was one of Oswald's aliases. He also wouldn't reveal his real name or his day job. "I work a nondescript office job," he said, "but I can't say any more."

I asked about the magazine's name.

"I thought of it as a kind of pre-emptive war of words," he said. "I knew that people would call us paranoid so I kind of embraced the word."

Are you paranoid? I asked him.

"I'd describe myself as a suspicious person," he said, "but not paranoid in any clinical way."

Hidell and D'Arc represent different wings of the conspiracy theories movement. "She's more into the speculative paranormal end of things," he said. "I'm more of a meat-and-potatoes politics, international relations and secret societies kind of guy."

Together, they attempt to publish a "provocative, unpredictable mix" of conspiracy theories. "We try not to have a house conspiracy style," he said.

Hidell admitted that he doesn't believe all the conspiracy theories advanced in the pages of Paranoia. For instance, he's a little skeptical of Icke's theory that the queen of England and the Rockefellers are really shape-shifting Satanic reptiles from outer space.

But then he adds this about Icke: "For all we know, he's putting all that in purposely so people think he's just a nut and he can keep publishing."

Since he and D'Arc founded Paranoia 15 years ago, Hidell said, the mainstream media has become very interested in conspiracy theories. He mentioned the TV show "The X-Files" and the History Channel's documentaries on secret societies, and, of course, "The Da Vinci Code."

"Why are 'they' allowing conspiracy theories to go mainstream?" he asked. "If there is a group that controls the world — and I'm not saying there is — they're probably not going to allow movies to be made about themselves, are they?"

After I hung up, I got to thinking: What if he's right? And if they don't want movies made about themselves, they probably don't want to see their evil deeds exposed in Paranoia either. Does that mean that Paranoia is ... part of the conspiracy? Could Paranoia be printing false conspiracy theories to throw us all off the trail of the real conspiracies?

Thinking about this stuff makes my head hurt.