A couple of weeks ago, there was an article in the Mail Tribune about how science has found that dogs are smarter than cats because dogs have more neurons in their cerebral cortex.

Unfortunately, I used that particular issue to line the cat box and the cats read the article. I haven’t had a moment's peace since then. I carefully explained that scientists are never wrong, because it said so in a letter to the editor about global warming.

Wow! Did I get an earful. First, the male cat, Kit, pointed out that regardless of the science, it was obvious that dogs had more neurons. “That’s why they’re so neurotic,” he said. “Besides, it’s not how many neurons you have, it’s how you use them. Now, go fetch my dinner and clean my box.”

Then the female cat, Kat, leapt in and accused me of speciesism. She said I ought to be more politically correct.

“Nonsense,” I said, “I think PC has gone too far, in fact, I think politically correct may be an oxymoron.”

“There you go again with the speciesism, grandpa,” said Kat. “Now you’re picking on oxen — unlike our president, most oxen are really not morons.”

“Hush,” I said “Do you want to spark another special investigation? Don’t you think Mr. Mueller has enough on his plate without investigating insanity claims? Besides, that’s probably the president’s defense strategy.”

Well, that did it. They stomped off on their little furry paws and climbed the fence to tease the dog next door (they call him “little rocket dog”), but I’m sure I haven’t heard the end of this.

I wonder whether I could get the scientists or the newspaper to issue a retraction? I wonder if we could get a new president? I wonder if we'll ever come to our senses and do something about global warming?

“Yeah, good luck with that,” said Kit and Kat.

— Jon Kimball lives in Ashland.