Santa has a few gifts for those in the NFL
— The Sporting News
Santa Claus may be a saint, but he had something in his bag for naughty and nice boys all around the NFL this year. We'll let you guess who has been naughty and who has been nice.
For Dick Vermeil: An Energizer Bunny. It's perhaps the only thing he can't wear out.
For Bill Parcells: A pair of inversion boots for the man who turned the AFC East upside down in two years.
For Marty Schottenheimer: A Black & Decker ScumBuster, in case his roster needs a little spring cleaning.
For Mike Holmgren: A fast car with no rearview mirrors, so he can get out of Green Bay in a hurry and never have to look back.
For Jon Gruden: A bottle of Just For Men, which he'll need to cover up the gray hairs that will soon be evident if he continues as coach of the Raiders.
For Dave Wannstedt: The services of a dog groomer. So at least most of his players can look good.
For Mike Shanahan: Nothing. Is there anything he really needs?
For Jerry Richardson: A pair of linen gloves, so the messes he'll make won't bear his fingerprints. And a short leash -- which he'll surely want for the next coach of the Panthers.
For Carmen Policy: Lego Mind Storm, so we can see what he can build from scratch.
For Bill Walsh: A job in the 49ers' front office, so he can infringe on Steve Mariucci's space.
For Mike Brown: A Blue's Clues compact disc. He's bound to get a clue this way.
For Mike Shula: A rack of spices for his Buccaneers offense.
For Trent Dilfer: A prescription for Propecia, so he can at least go long with his hair.
For Deion Sanders: Something he can return.
For Jeff George: A long-term disability insurance policy, a necessity when playing behind the Raiders' offensive line.
For Dan Marino: Something that will improve his mobility -- a wheelchair.
For Fred Lane: A can of Cruex.
For Jerry Rice: Footballs. Lots of them.
For Terrell Owens: A lei and a crate of pineapples, in lieu of a deserved Pro Bowl trip.
For Derrick Thomas: Earplugs.
For Shannon Sharpe: A snap-off facemask.
For Ryan Leaf: An electronic tongue cleaner for a filthy mouth. And something that could appeal to someone with his maturity level: Sing and Snore Ernie.
For Kevin Greene: Something he can attack without fear of repercussion -- SlamMan, the electronic boxing dummy.
For Kerry Collins: A case of O'Douls and a taxi company's business card.
For Kordell Stewart: A box of Kleenex and a bottle of Visine.
For Leigh Steinberg, the agent who usually represents model citizens but this year has had to deal with the travails of Ryan Leaf, Derrick Thomas, Kordell Stewart, Kevin Greene and Kerry Collins: The Thumper, a stress relieving hand-held massager.
For Doug Flutie: Tickets to A Bug's Life.
For Randall Cunningham: A guest spot on Touched an Angel.
For Randy Moss: A commercial for a great sports magazine, The Sporting News.
For Ed McCaffrey: A pair of shoulder pads that weren't purchased at Gymboree.
For Sean Gilbert: A recording of Peggy Lee's Is That All There Is?
For Paul Tagliabue: A judge's robe, and a ruler for rapping knuckles.
For Jerry Seeman: An eye chart to help offseason evaluations of his officials, and a supply of those Harry Caray glasses for the officials who can't make out the E.
For referee Phil Luckett: The Miracle Ear hearing aid.