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The Purina diet nearly killed him last time

A few days ago, I made my weekly trip to Costco. I bought a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet and companion Curly.

He is a fine friend, and I mostly treat him as one of my children. How I treated my own children in the past is an entirely different story. But I am often reminded as to what it says on an aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children. Especially the latter part of that piece of advice is of great importance.

But back to Costco. As I was standing in the checkout line, a woman behind me asked whether I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Because I am retired and have very little to do, on impulse I told her no, I did not have a dog. I was starting the Purina diet again. Then I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intense care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and has lots of vitamins, and so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the intense care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no, I simply had stepped off a curb, lost my balance and twisted my ankle. Then a car hit me while I was lying in the street, and I was hurt badly. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. However, the moral of this story is: Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Tony Antonides lives in Central Point.

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