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Recipe for tender turkey was a smashing success

My friend Michael finished his holiday food shopping an impressive five days before Christmas. He’s a foodie, and as he loaded up the last of the grocery bags, he heaved a sign of relief.

He began the creep though rush-hour traffic, hoping for a relatively quick commute. At this rate getting home could take an hour or more. No worries, he thought, the hard part is over, all I need to do is just listen to the radio and plan my menus.

His car was rear-ended only 10 minutes from home. That driver was so drunk he didn’t realize he’d hit another vehicle. The police would locate and arrest him shortly. Michael’s car hit the car in front of him and it hit the car in front of it. The driver who caused the chain reaction didn’t stop.

Michael pulled to the side of the road with the other drivers to assess the damage to his car and possible injuries to other drivers. Thankfully, there were no injuries, but he noted that his rear window was blown out, along with a dented and bent bumper and rear panel. Strangely the window had a large hole in the center. Surveying the hole he couldn’t figure out how a rear-ending would create a hole that size.

Opening the hatchback he noted shattered glass scattered on his grocery bags — his grocery bags that looked strangely half empty when only minutes before they’d overflowed. A closer look into the bags confirmed something was definitely missing. His main course, the centerpiece of the holiday meal — his 25-pound frozen turkey — was missing. Now he understood the hole. The hole was made not when his car was hit, but by the boomerang action of the frozen turkey traveling from inside to outside.

He was strangely saddened by this loss. Then he noticed that the salad kits, those lovely little time-savers that his wife enjoyed for lunch each day, were missing as well, along with various other fruits and veggies. He began to walk down the side of the road, to blow off some steam or stretch his legs he really wasn’t sure. About 50 yards down the road he saw something off in the bushes. He peered into the darkness at a light-colored object with a bit of a shimmer.

It was the escaped turkey with a tiny bit of road rash but basically intact.

He carried the bird home and brined and roasted it. Was it everyone’s imagination that it was the most tender and delicious turkey ever? The salads are still at large.


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