Three-card Monte and the Holy Grail
Wait a second, be there in a moment, this will only take a minute.
There. Sorry 'bout that ... had to satisfy the never-ending needs of two demanding cats, make the final parlay in a heated chatroom debate over the artistic integrity of "Castle" vs. "Bones," sort through the clean laundry for the proper pair of socks, and rummage around in an online kitchen for one of six keys needed to escape this virtual prison.
Not enough hours in a day. Even if you live on Bajor.
Particularly in the two-week lead-up to the Super Bowl. What would we do with ourselves before kickoff if we weren't distracted by "everything you need to know and more" about — along with presidential election day and the Academy Awards — one of our nation's Big Three sleight-of-hand diversionary tactics?
OK, three keys to go "¦ off to the garage.
Imagine, if you will, that the Super Bowl were to be canceled. It isn't hard to do. Say a Stormaggedon sequel, or a massive traffic tie-up on the bridges of New Jersey — or, I dunno, maybe a labor strike — were to interrupt our God-given American right to somewhat peaceably assemble and watch a game.
Oh, the humanity.
Similar thought processes must have been going through the minds of the Medford School District administration, which on Friday reversed an earlier decision that — in the unlikely event of a water landing — all extra-curricular activities for city schools would be postponed.
Grab tight to your seat cushions, indeed.
Well, that just wasn't going to do. I mean, classes might wind up being taught by substitutes, and the frozen teacher contract talks might have less traction than a fleet of Atlanta drivers "¦ but — even if it means at alternate locations and temporary coaches — our kids will be about to wrestle and swim and dribble.
Well, the ones who play for the varsity teams, at least. Tough luck for the JVs and the middle-school players (not to mention if your kid sings or plays the tuba or sews costumes for the drama club) "¦ think of it as a teachable moment.
If, under the potential circumstances, that would be possible. Perhaps the debate club could offer their thoughts "¦ um, oops, sorry, nope, they'll be silenced and sitting in the bleachers.
We do need our diversions — if only those with the highest profiles — to keep our eyes switchbacking along the trail and deflecti our focus from finding the Holy Grail.
Because, of course, that's much more difficult.
Did you know that a month ago, the company that makes a gooey cheese-like product sent out an alert that there could be a gooey cheese-like product shortage on Super Bowl Sunday — traditionally the day when gooey cheese is ladled across nachos so we can exponentially multiply our guilt for watching hours of mindless television by applying layers of fat directly to our hips?
Now, why would the gooey cheesy company issue that warning? Do they believe we're that gullible? (Even if that fictional term isn't to be found in any dictionary.) And, most important, will there be another "shortage" in the month leading up to the release of "Sharknado 2: The Second One"?
Speaking of gooey, cheesy things that turn your stomach, Justin Bieber is in trouble with the law on both sides of the border (not that one "¦ the northern border), and more than 100,000 people who have yet to find the key hidden in the wheel-well of a lawnmower (four down, two to go) have drawn a line in the sand and want to see Bieber deported to Canada.
Since Anne Frank wasn't around to express her support, Bieber got some words of advice from his other soul (and haircut) mate, Miley Cyrus.
"I tell him that, like, 'You don't want to become a joke. When you go out, don't come in shirtless,' " Cyrus told Jay Leno. "But the thing is, I think boys are, like, seven years behind. So in his head, he's really, like, 12."
The guy's such a cultural trainwreck, Miley Cyrus feels bad for him.
What did Canada ever do to us to deserve this ... other than the monetary exchange rate, Celine Dion and a pitiful, flabby excuse for bacon?
Lines in the sand, even at the Canadian border, are popular these days. Everyone seems to draw them. Biblically, of course, the prominent reference comes from when Jesus drew a line "¦ in actual sand "¦ that those without sin would cross to throw stones.
The amygdalas of both sides in the Medford teachers' contract talks are in such a state of overdrive that the rocks have been thrown even as both sides claim the other has drawn the line. Our state legislators, always available for Cyrusian advice, said the school district and the union should avoid "playing a game of chicken" — even if it's not a varsity sport — and get an agreement done.
That would certainly benefit the students, along with those who stopped playing in sandboxes a long, long time ago and now have better things to do with their time.
Oh, cool "¦ if I use the chisel on the loose floorboard in the pantry I get a diagram of how to solve the pool table puzzle in the game room for the fith key. Maybe there's a way out of this after all.
Mail Tribune news editor Robert Galvin can be reached at email@example.com.