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Herb Rothschild Jr.: Transcript of a domestic dialogue

This column will take a four-week vacation. I leave you with my annual summer jeu d’esprit.

Jan. 22 – “Honey, this morning I thought I heard a drip somewhere in the house.” “Can’t be. When I remodeled this house three years ago, I made sure that nothing could go wrong. It’s the greatest it’s ever been. The noise was probably coming from that colored subdivision behind the wall.”

Jan. 24 – “Honey, I just went down to the basement and found a little pool of water on the floor.” “Yes, my great intuition told me we might get a little moisture down there. Don’t worry. I have a plan and it’s going to be handled very well. Actually, I’ve already handled it very well.”

Jan. 30 – “Honey, the pool has spread some. Maybe we have a problem.” “Yes, we have a little problem — a very little problem — but I have it under control. Well under control.”

Feb. 14 – “Honey, I’m getting worried about that water in our basement.” “It’ll probably dry up when the weather gets warm. The people I’ve talked to — and I talk to a lot of great people — say that heat dries up moisture. It’s just around the corner.”

Feb. 24 – “Honey, I was over at our next-door neighbors. They had a bad leak in their basement last month, so they called a plumbing contractor. It cost them a lot, but they stopped the leak.” “I’m in contact with everyone in the subdivision. They all had leaks, but their houses are smaller, so their leaks make the problem seem bigger than it is. Anyway, don’t go over there any more, and don’t let them into our house.”

Feb. 27 – “Honey, could we have a serious talk about the situation in our basement?” “It’s going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear.”

March 9 – “That water could ruin all the stuff we’ve stored in the basement.” “Maybe a few boxes. ‘All’ is a big exaggeration. Maybe less than 1%. It’s old stuff we don’t care about anyway. Look, every year we lose some stuff to mildew. Mildew’s worse, but nobody makes a fuss over mildew.”

March 16 – “It’s bad.” “It’s bad. But we’re going to — we’re going to be, hopefully, a best case, not a worst case. And that’s what we’re working for. I’ve got great people on this. Nobody’s handling it better than I’m handling it.”

March 24 – “Tell me you’re really getting control of our problem.” “The worst will be behind us by Easter. If we ever went to church on Easter, we’d see the churches packed.”

April 3 – “You said the water would go down. It’s beginning to come up the stairs.” “I said it was going away — and it is going away.”

April 14 – “Talk to me, dammit!” “Look, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You can’t see what a great job I’m doing because you’re listening to the lies the neighbors are telling about me.”

May 15 – “I don’t suppose you’ve noticed that the water is coming into the first floor.” “Stop looking at it. The more you look, the more things there are. If you want to feel good, look at me. That always makes me feel good.”

Nov. 4 – “Donald, the neighborhood association just asked us to leave. They say our place is falling down.” “They never did think I belonged here.”

Herb Rothschild’s column appears in the Ashland Tidings every Saturday.