Barry Lewis: Where are my glasses?
I keep losing my eyeglasses.
No, they’re not on top of my head.
That’s because sometimes I forget that I’m actually “wearing” the glasses as they rest, nestled in my hair, while I’m wondering where I placed the darn things.
It’s like when I’m talking on my cellphone — then start frantically looking around for my cellphone — thinking I lost it. Or somebody took it.
Only thing worse than thinking you lost something is the moment you realize you had it in your hand all along. At that point, I look around to make sure nobody hears me yelling “Where’s my cellphone!?” while I’m talking to someone on my cellphone.
Sometimes my stupidity astounds me. But it’s only trumped by my vanity.
You see, I don’t need to wear glasses all the time. I only use them for things like reading. Seeing who’s calling me on my cellphone. Filling out a receipt. So yeah, I need to have them with me all the time.
But I keep my glasses in a protective case that’s too bulky for my pants. If I don’t wear a jacket, I leave the case in my car and put the glasses in my shirt pocket.
But inevitably I’ll bend over for something, the glasses fall out, and I quickly become one of those adults who, a recent survey found, spends 10 minutes every day looking for a lost item.
That means I’m wasting 3,650 minutes or over 2½ days every year searching for my glasses. If I live to be 75, I will have spent more than 50 days over the next 22 years looking for them. Let’s see the folks at AARP give that a positive spin.
An unfortunate 14 people admitted they spend over an hour every day looking for things they’ve misplaced.
There have been times when I’ve been a part of that group.
Not surprisingly, the survey found that men are far worse than women about losing things. A third of wives claim that their husbands regularly misplace items. But that’s because we don’t carry a purse.
(This is where I can make a crack about women losing things in their purses — but that would be way too easy.)
A few years back, I was given a chain that goes around your neck and attaches to your glasses. Smart. The person meant well, but when I put my glasses on, I looked like my Aunt Molly with the dangling chain. I couldn’t wear it. Someone suggested I get an eyeglass holder. They look cute. But then I’d have to carry the holder with me.
I heard about a thing called The Gadget Hound. Supposed to be like an electronic Labrador. You attach a small receiver to whatever you tend to lose. Keys. Cellphone. Eyeglasses. A handheld transmitter follows the “scent,” which is a small receiver you attach to your glasses or whatever you might lose. Press a button and you hear loud beeps coming off the receiver.
The downside is walking around with a thing the size of a quarter attached to my glasses.
With my luck, I’d lose the Gadget Hound. Or I’d stick the glasses on top of my head and spend the next hour trying to figure out where that beeping sound was coming from.
Barry Lewis is executive editor of the Times Herald-Record. email@example.com