'Tis the season for camo beer cozies
You're probably reading this at 6 a.m. while standing in a line outside Circuit City, waiting for — no, needing — that brand new high-definition television they cut $30 off just in time for Christmas.
Welcome to the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday.
Fine. Play into their greedy hands. Let THEM determine your Christmas by ruining your day-after-Thanksgiving by parading you from box store to box store, making you search endlessly for that must-have blinky video thingy that'll ensure your child's love for at least another year.
Why not let The Nightcrawler do your shopping for you? There's no waiting in lines, and I'm a lot friendlier than the minimum-wage slaves you're going to get to know intimately between now and Jesus' birthday.
These are gifts from my heart that I would lovingly give to the people I know.
I guarantee satisfaction, or you can challenge me to a broken-bottle fight in a public rest room in Hawthorne Park.
40-ounce personalized beer bottle cozy
Suggested retail: $9.99
I'll never forget last year's college Fiesta Bowl when Boise State upset Oklahoma in one of the all-time greatest college football games.
My friend Joel McKenzie brought me back a Boise State beer can cozy as a souvenir from the bar in Payette, Idaho, where he watched this legendary clash.
The resulting wetness of my eyes is a testimony to the power of the beer cozy as a gift.
I rejoiced when I found the Web site, www.beerkoozies.com, offering to personalize your beer cozy at such a comfortable price.
They charge you a $50 fee if you supply your own artwork, but you can opt for the much-cheaper photo cozy.
Imagine celebrating your 223rd day of unemployment at the Branding Iron with a cold bottle of Miller Lite nestled in a cocoon decorated with a picture of your 250-pound missus and two potato-headed litl'ns.
No matter how much you throw back, you won't be able to forget that wonderful family waiting for you at the doublewide in White City.
Plus, these cozies are made from gen-u-ine neoprene and come with glued-in, non-skid bottoms.
Suggested retail: $21,950
I realize some of you folks live high enough on the hog that you can afford luxury gifts like the mechanical bull.
Just think how this monstrosity will look after you create your own honky-tonk inside your Liberty Street McMansion.
You, too, can enjoy the base fun practiced by the great unwashed by getting blitzed on high-end wine and cheering your Bay Area friends to eight-second glory on one of these leather bucking SOBs.
Don't worry about Carol from Pleasanton breaking her skull on your bamboo floors. The mechanical bull package from www.buckingmachine.com comes with a 17-by-17-foot air mattress with three-foot walls.
A great gift for dad.
Bio skin wrist support brace
Suggested retail: $29.95
I work in an office. Every day I chip away at my wrist by pushing that insipid little mouse around my desk. Someday, carpal tunnel will set in my joints like the plague, and I will need the Bio Skin wrist support brace.
You understand my plight, don't you, wife of a chronic Oregon Video Lottery player? He shows up every day, like clockwork, to the tavern, takes his seat at his smoky work station and begins trying to earn a living by the sheer grace of God.
Doesn't he realize that repeatedly hitting that "Deal" button over and over again, waiting, praying, for that flush to hit, will eventually lead to excruciating wrist and arm pain?
On his way out the door to the Purple Parrot on Christmas morning, why don't you present him with a Bio Skin wrist support brace to lessen the effects of his future carpal tunnel? He'll love you for it in the end.
The wrist brace comes in three different sizes for the left and right hand. You may want to consider buying both, as one hand is for button-pushin' and the other is used for equally taxing activities such as beer bottle lifting and cigarette flicking.
Suggested retail: $39.95
Your wife flew the coop last year because you quit your job, again, and the bank people sent their goons over for the family car, again. She took the kids and it looks like this time she's really not coming back.
In other words, you're alone this Christmas. And you're going to treat yourself to something nice.
Hence, Jingle Jugs. What man has not wanted to decorate his living room with a set of animatronic dancing and singing breasts?
A set of these will run you nearly $40, brother, but it's worth every penny. Think about how much she'd hate having plastic breasts that bop up and down to bad country western songs. They even come with seasonal bikini tops.
Oh yeah, you'll show her when she comes over to drop the kids off for their bi-weekly visit. Once she sees Jingle Jugs hanging oh-so-mightily on your wall, she'll realize just how free you are without her constant nitpicking about your unemployment and binge-drinking and that time you brought the kids to a cage fight where you got drunk and forgot one of them by the beer tent for an hour and the police were called and she went to live with her mother for awhile but you talked her back after leaving all those messages on her phone about killing yourself.
Cisco wine-like drink
Suggested retail: about $3
Show that bum who stands at the Barnett Road intersection you are thinking about him with a bottle of Cisco Red.
He'll love you for it.
Cisco is the finest of bum wines, known in some circles as "liquid crack." It has likely been responsible for many a violent episode in these United States.
The fine folks at www.bumwine.com say Cisco "has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation."
I watched the guys living under the bridge at Hawthorne Park passing Cisco around all summer long. How can they be wrong?
Since Medford passed an ordinance that prohibits bums from taking handouts at intersections with traffic lights, you'll want to be discreet when you drop off this most blessed of Christmas presents. I suggest making eye contact with said bum well before you reach the intersection.
He'll daydream of a quarter or a buck suddenly landing in his hand. Imagine his surprise when you whip by, flinging a bottle of Cisco out your window instead.
Once he cracks the lid on one of these little miracles and puts it to his mouth, there will be nothing but "Joy to the World" ringing through his head during Cisco's legendary two-day hangover.
Reach reporter Chris Conrad at 776-4471 or firstname.lastname@example.org.