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RG the Cat Guy helps out 'friends'

You’d like to think we’ve evolved as a species.

That the improvements to our everyday lives, and the technologies invented to enhance our minds and hearts, would lead us closer to discovering our better selves. And that, somehow, this evolution would carry over to our artistic endeavors as well — enriching our creations beyond what our ancestors could imagine.

Yeah ... about that.

Mathieu Stern is a YouTube artiste in France (so you already know we’re in trouble), who received word from family members recently that he might want to dig behind his old family home — in hopes of finding a time capsule left behind more than a century ago.

Stern commenced to digging and — sacre bleu! — indeed found said capsule ... a metal, shoebox-sized container filled with bric-a-brac he determined dates back to 1900 or so.

Being an artiste, he was most intrigued by a pair of well-preserved, glass-plate negatives — photos that could hold historic value, or reveal a family secret, or perhaps offer a clue to a hidden treasure.

Or, in this case ... pictures of a cat.

So much for evolution. About 120 years later, only our technology has changed; we’re still just using it to record the existence of our pets.

And with that, we offer the latest batch of questions — each certified to be 100% made up, from fictional inquisitors who are themselves 100% certifiable.

Hey, Cat Guy, how you doin’? I was creeped out by the metamorphosis of the actors in the film “Cats,” but now I hear that it’s the front-runner for awards. What’s up with that? — Joey

“Metamorphosis,” Joey? “Word-A-Day” toilet paper? Anyway, as an actor you should realize that Taylor Swift and the guy who played Gandalf weren’t really turned into some feline-human hybrid just to give you the heebie-jeebies. I can assure you they’ve returned to their natural state ... in plenty of time for next weekend’s Razzie Awards, where “Cats” led the way with nine nominations.

Dear Mr. Guy: I’m a chef, and want to give my kittens most organic meals possible. Should they go vegan? — Monica

In a word, Monica, no. According to the ASPCA, cats are what’s known as “obligate carnivores” — they need meat because of thousands of years of genetic imprinting. Besides, it’s hard enough to get cats to eat what they should. I tried getting mine interested to no avail in a saucer of lactose-free, organic, non-GMO, reduced-fat, vitamin-supplemented milk from cows that ate grass free of artificial pesticides and were raised without antibiotics and growth hormones. If they won’t eat that, they’re not going near asparagus.

Cat Guy, every time I visit my sister, her cat comes to see who arrived ... then it pivots, and sticks its butt in my face. What can I do to make this stop? — Ross

Offhand, I can think of three possible reasons for this behavior. First, you’ve mistaken the cat’s downward-dog posture as rejection, when it’s simply asking whether you want join it for yoga. Then again, according to the pet-help website Catalogical, it could be an offer of friendship: “It has put itself in a vulnerable position and is allowing her to smell her,” since smelling is a form of establishing contact for cats. Most likely, however, it is that your sister has told the cat about your own medical history and wants you to check if that thing on its butt is a kundis.

Hello, you: The last time I had a cat, it smelled so much that I’d have to have my aura cleansed every time I left the house. Now that I’m adopting a new kitten, is there any way to prevent this from happening again? — Phoebe

Well, I’m not sure I put much faith into this approach (although, I suspect you will), but some folks swear by adhering to the principles of feng shui to make your home a welcoming place for the cat. An elevated power spot, serene feeding area and a Zen space to relax are all recommended — and, of course, you never can have too many cat healing crystals or stones. (Sometimes, I wish I was making up this stuff.) But remember, if your cat smells, it’s not its fault.

OK, here’s the thing: The other day it rained. The cat goes to the window, sees it’s raining, growls ... then heads to another window to see if it’s raining there, too. Then, other times, it’ll shudder after looking out the window as though it’s having déjà vu. Can this cat BE any more neurotic? — Chanandler Bong

Researchers in Denmark recently released a study finding that 80% of cats (as well as dogs), can exhibit “episodic memory” related to déjà vu. It’s unclear how the cats are actually remembering something ... or if they’re just pulling our legs. Meanwhile, our pets sometimes do pick up on our emotional cues and emulate the personality traits of their owners. Are either you or your wife prone to doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes?

RG, I wanted to buy a pair of those cute white kitten booties for my best friend’s cat. But even though I’m a shopaholic and work in fashion, I can’t seem to find them. Any ideas? — Rachel

Sorry, but those “booties” are the result of genetic mutation and are not for sale ... unless you are into cloning for genetic markers.

But your question did remind me of a story my father used to tell of one of the odd jobs he held in my youth.

He would be hired to help clean out the homes of the recently deceased. On one such excursion, he and a co-worker were in the cellar of a woman who had passed and came across a stack of 20-30 shoeboxes.

Thinking they could donate the shoes, they were stunned to find that inside each box were the remains of a cat.

Come to think of it, finding old pictures would have been a preferable alternative.

Mail Tribune news editor Robert Galvin is busy cleansing the aura at rgalvin@rosebudmedia.com

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