Supreme Being has got RG the Cat Guy's tongue
It should come as no surprise that our cats might be squirrelier during the coronavirus pandemic and subsequent sheltering orders.
Of course, our first instinct is to suspect they always act this way ... and it just seems out of character because we’re at home more to observe them.
Actually, maybe it’s a little bit of that.
Truth is, though, that recent news reports cite veterinary behavioral experts as saying anything that disrupts the normal routine of our pets could send some of them off the deep end.
A shorter trip for some, to be sure. So, let’s move on to this week’s questions ...
Hey you, enough with the psycho-babble ...
Excuse me; I’m trying to work here.
Is that what you call this?
I am writing a few introductory paragraphs to set the tone for the reader.
If by “set the tone,” you mean “put them to sleep” ... then you’re doing a swell job.
It appears that the feline member of the household has taken this opportunity to express some thoughts.
Here’s a thought ... hold your tongue.
Isn’t that your job?
Oh, I get it ... “cat got your tongue.” You really want to know where that phrase originated?
Ah, those ancient Egyptians ... now they knew how to treat a supreme being.
May I ask, your supreme-ness, what brings you here today?
I have a question.
I’m at your disposal.
If only I had enough litter for that.
Fine. It’s simple, really, so even you might be able to answer it. I’ll use capital letters so you can hear me. ... HOW CAN I GET THEM TO LEAVE?
By “them,” I assume you mean me and your other parent?
Now, you see, her I like. But it has come to the point where even she is driving me nuts. Follows me around all day with a camera, pressing buttons ... SNAP SNAP SNAP ... FLASH FLASH FLASH.
She just wants pictures of you.
What is she going to do with pictures? You guys aren’t on Facebook.
The important thing to remember is ...
And you’re both always calling for me. “Where’d you go? Where are you?” ... I’m an indoor cat ... Where in the world do you think I am — I’m in the house.
Just because I don’t follow you around every ... single ... moment that you’re here means you have the need to disturb my day by wondering where I’ve gone.
Hey now, you call for us.
Yes, but I have my reasons. I must be fed. I must be stroked. My box needs attention. It’s time for you to go to bed.
I never need to know where you are. You’re always in the same spots. On the couch. In the big green chair. Hunting and pecking on the computer.
We’re creatures of habit.
I’ll let that sink in for a moment. ... Look, at first when you guys were home all the time, it was like I’d died and gone to Heaven. Servants at my beck and call 24/7, waiting on me paw and paw. Constant pampering. Something to pass the time in between naps and visits to the bird feeder.
So ... too much of a good thing?
The “too much” part is right. Have you ever watched yourselves go through a day? The noises you make, the groaning, the complaining ... talking about how bored you are, how old you feel.
You want to talk old? I’m 56.
And you look it. And what’s with the hair? You think I’d ever let my fur grow that long? Or get that gray? Show a little pride, you’re the servants of a supreme being. You’re letting yourselves go ... cookies, ice cream, popsicles, snacking all the time. She even snuck in a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips while you were away the other day.
See, the longer this has gone on, the more anxious cat-own ... -servants ... have become. Thankfully, the restrictions are starting to be lifted, and we’ll be going away more soon.
Wait ... restrictions? They’re making you spend more time disturbing my nap schedule? And you’ve been going along with this? Doing what you’re told? What are you ... dogs?
It’s very complicated ...
That explains so much. That’s why you take each other for a walk twice a day. I hope you bring big enough plastic bags with you.
No, no ... I mean, no.
I’d almost feel sorry for you if I my goal wasn’t to get you out of my house.
Well, any day now, you’ll get your wish. We’ll be gone as much as before, and you’ll have the house to yourself. At least then you’ll be happy.
You really don’t know cats at all, do you?
RG the Cat Guy cleans the litter box at email@example.com