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Pink socks, piñatas and a brain coat for Christmas

A Portland company was fined $15,000 this past week falsely claiming that its soothing-pink silk socks could prevent the onset of COVID-19 served as an important reminder.

I haven’t started my Christmas shopping.

Not that I would shell out hard-earned (mezza mezza) moolah for socks with magical powers — even soothing-pink ones — though I (as you might as well) have friends and family members who would buy into such flapdoodle.

If I were to prey on their gullibility, I’d head to the nearest Big Box and pick up jugs of bleach for gargling and bottles of disinfectant for injections ... to name bogus suggestions tossed out by those with influence.

Last month, the Federal Trade Commission warned companies and distributors about making false coronavirus-curing claims about several products, including — but not limited to — gemstone bead bracelets, water filtration systems, indoor tanning with red light UV therapy, copper water bottles, high dose Vitamin C IV drips, stem cell treatments, ozone therapy and laser treatments.

Just in case your impressionable friends and/or family members wouldn’t be caught coughing in silk, pink socks.

If you are in a mood to send a coronavirus-themed gift this holiday season, however, pick one that encourages the taking out of frustrations.

For instance, the “COVID-YATA!,” an actual piñata described by the Nipyata! company as being “Nasty. Ruthless. Contagious. Deadly. The Worst.”

The colors of a stoplight, with a demonic depiction of now-ubiquitous virus at its center, the “COVID-YATA!” comes complete with a blindfold, “Hangin’ Twine” and a “Smashin’ Stick” and is filled with the holiday spirit.

Or rather, holiday “spirits” — inside are 15 plastic mini-bottles of whiskey, vodka, tequila and rum for that special someone who wants to “smash and get smashed” as well as assorted candies for the kids.

Of course, the “COVID-YATA!” also includes “special forces that ward off evil spirits” so you might want to get one before the FTC starts snoopin’ around.

Now, not all the friends and/or family members on your gift list have been brainwashed by anti-science propaganda into thinking that the coronavirus is a hoax perpetrated to remove from office very stable geniuses who offhandedly suggest bleach-gargling and/or disinfectant-injecting.

These folks obviously know minds are a terrible thing to waste — which is why the 5G Anti-Radiation, RF Shielding, Wifi Radiation EMF Hood Hat from Radia Smart, complete with “brain coat,” just might be for them.

“Tested by accredited lab,” according to its Amazon page, the Hood Hat promises peace of mind as it “blocks radiation” from cellphones, Wi-Fi, laptops, radio frequencies, microwaves, cell towers and cordless phones.

Gift-givers, however, should note: The manufacturer warns that the Hood Hat, even with the brain coat, does not shield high frequency radiation like X-rays — which leads to the old joke about what friends and/or family members expect doctors to find if you need your head examined.

5G technology has spawned a long list of debunked conspiracy theories — from being used to control our weather, to causing the coronavirus, to being used by nefarious nogoodniks to activate microscopic robots implanted in our bodies by vaccinations.

The Hood Hat, with an outer layer constructed out of whole cloth (80% cotton, 20% polyester), is designed to protect the wearer from head, neck and thyroid damage while the “brain coat” protects well, your brain.

That the inner layer is constructed of an unnamed “radiation-shielding fabric” is disappointing; especially if you expected it to be constructed out of tinfoil.

Finally, it wouldn’t be the season for gift-giving if we didn’t think about the most important members of the household.

Surveys show Americans will fork over as much as $135 on gifts for their pets — who will show their appreciation by playing with the wrapping paper and boxes in which the trinkets arrive.

Now, there are COVID-19 masks for pets — and even a turquoise Secret Synergy Stones EMF Protection Charm (without a brain coat) to hang around their necks — available on the internet, but those won’t bring you closer to the extended family member that isn’t socially distanct?

That’s why the BowLingual and MeowTalk apps are the perfect gift to give yourself and those who will never disappoint you for falling for flapdoodle.

Yep, the apps take the barks and yowls of our furry friends and translate them into English ... sort of.

BowLingual is intended for entertainment purposes — because, let’s face it, all dog barks can be translated into “I want to go outside” and “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.”

But MeowTalk, developed by a team led by one of the programmers behind Alexa, is based on research that shows cats have a set of nine distinct vocal intents, with a vocabulary that grows exponentially.

“When you give the app 5 to 10 examples of a specific meow from your cat,” the team says, “the app can start to recognize that meow when it hears it.”

Then again, if you need a translator to tell you the meaning of a meow ... could I interest you in a brain coat?

Mail Tribune news editor will be off next week buying Christmas gifts for the staff at rgalvin@rosebudmedia.com