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Some say it best, when they say nothing at all


This has been one of those weeks when there hasn’t been much to talk about, but that hasn’t kept folks from flapping their jaws anyway … which leaves me no choice but to slap something together — if only to make up for the absence of my Sunday stablemate, Peggy Dover, who claimed “dibs on taking the week off” before I could speak up.

Oooooh, he said, “slap.”

Sure did; so, before we launch into this week’s topic, let’s a take a moment to consider the battle of the network stars during last Sunday’s telecast of the Oscars, the echoes from which are still cascading across the hollow chambers of cyberspace.

To wit … what in the name of Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspberry was going through the minds, speaking of hollow chambers, of those involved?

I mean, people have been slapped following things that I’ve said — but those are usually readers being awakened after falling asleep while trying to read the weekly drivel.

The bizarre nature of the assault, and its immediate televised aftermath, hasn't prevented anyone even tangentially involved — and by that I mean anyone with a mouth and/or hunt-n-peck ability — from wanting to have their reactions aggregated across the social media multiverse.

On this matter, I stand with Harry Potter … well, Daniel Radcliffe … who said this week that he was “just so already dramatically bored of hearing people’s opinions about it that I just don’t want to be another opinion adding to it.”

Well said, Daniel … even though the “just so already” verbal gymnastics would have had points deducted by the pedantic English judges.

Although Radcliffe is too young for such a memory, his non-opinion opinion evoked the tagline with which TV game show host Tom Kennedy ended each episode — reminding viewers that “it’s not what you say that counts … it’s what you don’t say.”

On that score, there are several involved in The Slap who at this writing have been saying nothing at all. Both the Slappee and one of the three interlocutors of the Oscars said they were still “processing” the event and weren’t ready to express themselves.

I once worked for an editor we called Uncle Miltie, of whom it was said that he processed your copy in the same manner that vegetable blenders processed cabbage … and this was before computers.

The entire concept that our feelings must be processed is … well, let me think this through … but I’m certain once the whirring stops I’ll probably have a lower opinion of processing than Lloyd Dobler.

That editor could have helped The Slapper last Sunday, who dethroned even the estimable Greer Garson in victory speech length … adding another layer of Babylon babbling on for those who weren’t still processing their emotions to seek social media Fonzie Cool Points.

And that wasn’t even the week’s worst word play: For that, we look no further than the ugly stepsister of the Oscars — the Razzies.

The deliverers of prizes for the worst in cinema announced that they had “rescinded” the award bestowed upon actor Bruce Willis, who had been honored in a category called “Worst Performance by Bruce Willis in a 2021 Movie.”

As you might have heard, the family of the action star announced that Willis was stepping away from his acting career due to the onset of the effects of the cognitive disorder order aphasia, which affects a person’s ability to communicate.

“If someone’s medical condition is a factor in their decision-making and/or their performance, the Razzie ringleaders said, “we acknowledge that it is not appropriate to give them a Razzie.”

As bad as saying that using “acknowledge” in this matter is sort of a backhanded apology, it’s the use of the word “rescinded” that is the real crime.

While technically appropriate, the connotation evoked in the act of rescinding puts the fault on the person having something taken away.

In essence, the Razzies are revoking an award from Willis (that he likely had no interest in anyway) for having the audacity to have his affliction revealed just after being presented it.

Where’s Daniel Radcliffe when I need him? Heck, where’s Peggy Dover in all this … I could have used the vacation.

But that does remind me of a columnist I worked with at a paper in Florida — who took a vacation to see his family and take his Dad to a baseball game at Yankee Stadium.

Upon his return, he wrote a column in great detail about what happened at the ballgame and how much fun it was not to be working and just spending the time with his father.

After I had edited it, he asked what I thought.

I told him I thought it was well-written, but it was oxymoronic. If he’s going into detail about not having to work during this great day with Dad, he in fact was working … since he was taking at least mental notes for when he’d later write the column.

I’m pretty sure he wanted to slap me.

Mail Tribune columnist Robert Galvin can be reached at rgalvin@rosebudmedia.com … where he is processing what to have for lunch.